Have you ever wondered why you react a certain way in close relationships, or why familiar conflicts keep repeating even when you try to make changes? Many of these patterns, such as feeling overly reactive, shutting down, or feeling misunderstood, are rooted in attachment styles developed in childhood and carried into adulthood. These attachment styles shape our sense of closeness, our responses to conflict, and our security with others.
Often, it’s not about the situation in front of us; it’s about the deeper emotional needs beneath the surface. For example, a disagreement with a partner might trigger fears of rejection, abandonment, or not feeling valued. Without realizing it, we can fall into familiar cycles such as seeking reassurance, withdrawing, or becoming defensive, which can leave both people feeling disconnected.
John Bowlby coined the term Attachment Theory and explained that humans are naturally wired to seek connection and comfort from people who feel irreplaceable, such as parents, siblings, friends, or partners (Johnson, 2017). While attachment theory was originally presented in terms of early childhood development, it has been extended to include adult relationships, and it does vary over time (Johnson, 2017). Feeling safe and supported helps our nervous system to relax and gives us a sense of having a predictable, safe haven in the world. Knowing that comfort and reassurance are available makes it easier to navigate life’s challenges.
The main attachment styles are:
- Secure: You feel comfortable with closeness and trust in your relationships. You’re able to rely on others and tend to bounce back more easily from stress or difficult emotions.
- Anxious: You often need reassurance and worry about abandonment or feeling undervalued. This can manifest as overthinking, strong emotions, or a deep longing for closeness and security.
- Avoidant: You value independence and may feel uneasy with too much closeness. You might keep emotional distance or rely only on yourself, even when support is there.
- Fearful-avoidant (disorganized): You may want closeness, but you also fear it. This can mean seeking connection, then pulling away when things feel vulnerable or uncertain.
Attachment styles matter in therapy because they directly affect your relationship patterns and emotional responses, influencing how you connect, experience conflict, and respond to support (Sagone et al., 2023).
In emotionally focused therapy (EFT), we focus on the emotional patterns that arise from these attachment styles. Many relationship struggles, whether with a partner, family member, or even within ourselves, stem from unmet attachment needs or fears of rejection (Johnson, 2017).
By developing an understanding of your attachment style, EFT can help you:
- Recognize emotional patterns – notice how your attachment style affects your reactions.
- Express needs effectively – communicate your needs without blame or conflict.
- Break negative cycles – change patterns that repeat conflict or distance.
- Build trust and connection – create relationships where you feel safe, seen, and supported.
While EFT is often used for working with couples, it can also be used with individuals and families. With individuals, it focuses on exploring personal emotional patterns and attachment experiences. With couples and families, it focuses on improving communication, repairing disconnection, and creating stronger, more secure relationships.
Most of the research on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) has focused on couples, through Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFCT). Over time, this research has shown that EFCT is one of the most well-established and effective approaches for strengthening relationships. It has been studied extensively, including in large clinical trials, and consistently shows positive outcomes for couples (Johnson, 2017).
EFCT has helped couples navigate a wide range of challenges, including depression, anxiety, PTSD, and substance use, by supporting them in reconnecting, improving communication, and feeling more emotionally secure with one another.
What’s especially encouraging is that these changes tend to last. Research shows that after about 8–20 sessions, roughly 70–73% of couples are no longer in distress, with many continuing to maintain these improvements over time (Johnson, 2017). Some studies have even looked at how EFT affects the brain. In one study, researchers found that after therapy, women were better able to use the comfort of holding their partner’s hand as a sense of safety, reducing how threatening a stressful situation felt (Johnson, 2017).
At its core, EFCT is about helping people feel safe, connected and understood in their relationships. As we begin to understand our emotional needs and how we reach out to others, new patterns that foster closeness, trust, and security can form.
If you’re noticing repeated patterns in your relationships or feeling disconnected, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Support is available, and meaningful change is possible.
References
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with Individuals, couples, and families. The Gilford Press.
Sagone, E., Commodari, E., Indiana, M. L. & La Rosa, V. L. (2023). Exploring the Association
Between Attachment Style, Psychological Well-Being, and Relationship Status in Young
Adults and Adults – A Cross-Sectional Study. European Journal of Investigation in
Health, Psychology and Education, 24; 13(3), 525, 539. Doi: 10.3390/ejihpe130300
40.
— Liana O’Donnell-Balcomb, Registered Social Worker, MSW Intern
