Shame can be a very distressing emotion. Shame is often internalized and focused on our whole selves (Turner, Husman, and Schallert, 2002). As Turner, Husman, and Schallert (2002) explain, “The focus of the failure is interpreted as representing failure at the whole-self level, not simply in a particular aspect of the self or a discrete behaviour.”
When we experience shame, it can result in devaluing ourselves, feeling worthless, having low self-esteem, and generally having a negative view of ourselves. Shame can also manifest as a physical reaction in our bodies. This might look like crying, blushing, a lowered head (feeling small and hunching in), and avoiding eye contact with people.
Shame may also show up as a survival tactic for folks experiencing dangerous and traumatic situations. As described by Dr. Janina Fisher, shame may be protective because it often leads us to submit, and shame can become a cycle that continues to be experienced after the event(s).
Noticing and understanding shame, the role it may be playing in our lives, and how it is manifesting in our bodies, can support our healing process.
Strategies to Cope
Shame can be challenging because it is pervasive and focused on the whole self. I suggest speaking with a therapist.
Below are two strategies to help you explore shame and manage it effectively.
- Name it to Tame it: In this strategy, notice and name shame when it shows up for you. This can diffuse the emotion and provide you with information on when it appears.
- Self-Compassion: Essentially, this is treating yourself as a good friend. Give yourself the grace that you provide to others in your life, and treat yourself with kindness.
Shame can manifest in various ways in our lives; it may come and go or persist with us. Please reach out for support if you need it.
Claire Howarth, MSW RSW
References
Turner, J. E., Husman, J., & Schallert, D. L. (2002). The importance of students’ goals in their emotional experience of academic failure: Investigating the precursors and consequences of shame. Educational Psychologist, 37(2), 79-89.
