The grief of infertility is real, deeply felt, and completely valid, often bringing with it a complex mix of emotions. Other forms of grief, such as the death of a loved one, are often met with support like cards, flowers, and kind words. However, the sorrow of infertility is rarely acknowledged, leaving many to navigate this journey in isolation without the support they desperately need. Known as disenfranchised grief, this is the kind of sorrow that isn’t usually openly recognized, socially supported, or fully understood, and it is sometimes dismissed or minimized by others. You’re mourning something that can’t be seen: the future you imagined, a child who isn’t here yet, and the hopes of becoming a parent that may never come true.
Those facing infertility often hear well-meaning but hurtful comments from family and friends, such as “just relax, and it’ll happen” or “everything happens for a reason”. Hearing this while trying so hard can feel dismissive and invalidate the deep pain they are going through. Despite the silence that often surrounds it, infertility is more common than many realize. While the World Health Organization estimates that approximately 1 in 6 adults globally experience infertility, this common experience is still widely stigmatized (World Health Organization, 2023).
For many women, the experience of conception, pregnancy, and childbirth is a deeply meaningful milestone in a woman’s life. These milestones are often woven into hopes, identity, and dreams for the future. When infertility or perinatal loss occurs, these experiences, commonly referred to as reproductive trauma, can disrupt how a person sees themselves and their place in the world (Bhat & Byatt, 2016). Experiences of reproductive trauma can affect mental health in many ways, bringing waves of grief, anxiety, depression, symptoms of PTSD, lowered self- esteem, and feelings of shame or stigma, which can make healing even more isolating (Bhat & Byatt, 2016). Because these experiences are often left unspoken, the journey toward healing can feel isolating, making it even more difficult for some to reach out for help.
So how do we begin to cope with the grief of infertility?
Validation
Validating your own emotions and lived experience is a powerful and necessary part of navigating infertility. Allowing yourself to acknowledge the heavy weight of infertility, rather than pushing it aside, creates space for compassion and healing. All emotions that arise are natural responses to a deeply painful experience. You deserve support, understanding, and care as you move through this journey.
Talk with a therapist
One important step for many people can be speaking with a therapist who understands reproductive and perinatal mental health. A knowledgeable therapist can offer a compassionate, non-judgmental space to explore complex emotions that can be difficult to share with others. Although this path can be painful and uncertain, you are not alone. Supportive therapy can help you feel seen, validated, and gently guided toward healing at your own pace.
Calm the mind and body with grounding and mindfulness exercises:
Grounding and mindfulness exercises can play an important part in calming both the mind and body, especially when grief and anxiety feel overwhelming. These practices help slow the nervous system, bringing attention back to the present moment and creating a sense of safety and stability. Simple techniques such as mindful breathing or noticing physical sensations in the body can reduce emotional intensity, support regulation, and make difficult moments feel more manageable. Over time, grounding and mindfulness can help foster greater self-compassion and resilience as you navigate the emotional impact of infertility.
Make space for joy and meaning
During fertility treatments, it’s so easy for IVF to take over your thoughts, schedule, and emotional energy. Appointments, medications, and waiting periods can quickly become all- consuming. That’s why it’s especially important to create space for joy and connection intentionally. Engaging in hobbies, moving your body, and spending time with supportive friends and family can help you feel more balanced. These moments can remind you that your life still has meaning beyond this journey.
Healing starts with support. You are not alone. Seek support if you need to and give yourself the compassion you deserve.
Reference
Bhat, A., & Byatt, N. (2016). Infertility and Perinatal Loss: When the Bough Breaks.
Curr Psychiatry Rep, 18(3), 1-8. Doi: 10.1007/s11920-016-0663-8
World Health Organization. (2023). 1 in 6 people globally affected by infertility: WHO.
https://www.who.int/news/item/04-04-2023-1-in-6-people-globally-affected-by-infertility
— Liana O’Donnell-Balcomb, MSW Intern
